Why You Accidentally Ruin Your Relationships, Based On Your Love Language

Words Of Affirmation

You send good morning texts the second you rise from your sleep. You say I love you with zero hesitation. You brag to your friends about how you’ve found the perfect person for you. You are always talking about how much you like your person, but words aren’t enough. You have to follow through on what you say. Your actions need to match your voice. Telling someone you want to spend the weekend together or take a vacation upstate doesn’t actually mean anything if you back out of plans when the time comes. You have to keep your promises. You have to prove that your word means something.

Quality Time

When you like someone, you want to spend as much time with them as possible. You text them from morning until night. You invite them over every weekend. You expect to see them whenever you find free time in your schedule. Sometimes, without even realizing what you’re doing, you suffocate people. You make them feel like they aren’t allowed to hang out with their own friends and need to check in with you constantly. Sometimes, they will even feel like you don’t trust them. Like you keep such close tabs on them because you’re worried they are up to something. That miscommunication can put a strain on the relationship.

Receiving Gifts

You might not show someone your burning love for them on a daily basis, but when the holidays come around, you are the best gift giver in town. You show your affection by spending hours browsing through websites for a present that fits them perfectly. Because of that, some people mistakenly believe that you are materialistic. Shallow. That you only care about money. They don’t look close enough at your presents to see how sentimental they are, how much thought you put into them. They wish you would show your love through your daily actions instead of only through material items on special occasions.

Acts Of Service

You will buy groceries for someone who is low on cash. You will drive miles to pick someone up at the airport. You will risk getting in trouble at work to answer important texts. When it comes down to it, you’re too nice. You go out of your way to help people before they even ask and end up getting walked over. That’s why, sometimes, you feel like you’re already in a relationship when you’re not. You get invested in people, you try to save people, and find yourself in yet another almost relationship.

Physical Touch

You love holding hands while you walk. Resting a hand on their thigh beneath the table. Cuddling during movie dates. Getting touchy underneath the covers. Since you are so hands-on, some people mistakenly believe you are only interested in physical intimacy. They question whether you really like them or whether you are only using them as a warm body to press up against while you sleep. They need reassurance that you like their personality, too. That you aren’t only with them because you’re lonely and would get close to anyone who offered their affection.

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From Thought Catalog by Holly Riordan

On Ending Your Relationship by Christmas

Has something about your relationship changed? Can you put your finger on what it is? Sometimes it’s obvious: perhaps your partner has cheated on you or their behaviour has become unacceptable, which makes it clear to you that the relationship needs to end. Other times, it’s more a subtle shift in the way you feel, which has happened over a period of time and you find yourself questioning whether you can really see yourself with them long term. It’s often the latter situation which is the hardest to deal with and can come as a surprise to your partner when you tell them it’s over.

When I trained to be a relationship counsellor, I was told the key in any relationship is communication. Good communication generally leads to good relationships, poor communication will likely lead to a poor relationship. We often avoid communicating how we feel for fear of hurting our partner’s feelings, feeling guilty or not wanting to deal with potential confrontation. So, we ‘drift’ on and for a while it seems ok. Nothing bad is happening, but nothing good is happening either.

Then a significant event, or significant time of the year is approaching and the quality of our relationship comes into view again. You may start asking yourself: Do I really want to spend Christmas with them, pretending everything is ok when it’s not? What about New Year’s Eve? Do I want to celebrate seeing the New Year in with them, when I know that I’m just about to dump them?

So, is there ever a good time to end a relationship? I don’t think there is a straightforward answer to that question. For myself, I would rather know that it’s over, than find myself questioning and reflecting afterward, whether they only stayed with me out of pity. Some however, would say that it’s cruel to break up just before Christmas, as it would spoil it for everyone. Whenever you choose, it’s never going to be easy. Breaking up is painful and emotional for both parties. There can be regret, sadness and guilt.

If you are considering ending your relationship before the festive season there are a few questions to ask yourself first:

1. Why did you fall in love with your partner in the first place?

Figure out if there are remnants of those feelings that can be rekindled if you focus on them.

2. Has the ‘love light’ switched off?

I think that love is like a pilot light, sometimes it is strong and vivid and you can clearly see it glowing. Sometimes it is low and subtle, but still burning. If the love light for your partner has switched off, it’s unlikely that it will switch on again.

3. Have you been sending subtle messages that your feelings have changed?

We are sending subliminal messages all the time, so perhaps your partner is far more aware than you think they are about your feelings, and it won’t be a surprise when you tell them you no longer love them.

4. What have you valued from your relationship with them?

All relationships help us learn more about ourselves and what’s important in a relationship to us. You clearly loved them once, share with them what you will always remember about the relationship, along with helping them understand what has changed and why your feelings for them have changed.

Remaining with someone when you no longer love them is unfair to them and to you. Everyone has the right to be happy and to be equally loved in a relationship. Ending a relationship is never easy, but it can be done with consideration, honesty and empathy… even if it’s just before Christmas.

What to do if you decide to break up

Rebecca McCann, a relationship therapist from Click For Therapy advises, “When you know your relationship has ended you know, and there’s very little you can do to convince yourself otherwise. The holiday season is difficult if you are in a relationship you don’t want to be in. So firstly be 100% sure that it’s what you want, otherwise if you end up getting back together this will be forever linked to Christmas.

“If you are totally sure then be honest, and think about the logistics. Think about where you will go for Christmas, what you will do, have a plan in your head before you end the relationship so that you don’t get pulled back in by logistics or your partner convincing you to stay just because its Christmas for example.

“A plan will help you to stay firm in your resolve. The other thing is make sure that you have someone you trust to spend the holidays with, this is part of being kind to yourself. You deserve to enjoy the season as much as you can, but you will need to extra TLC to do this so give yourself a break.”

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From: Cosmopolitan

Love Isn’t About Chasing Perfection, It’s About Finding Something Real

I’m tired of contemporary dating—quick, easy, convenient, swipe left, swipe right. We judge someone’s character by a picture on a four-inch screen. We jump from person to person, never satisfied. We buy into the hookup culture, thinking that people only want us for our bodies, for what we can give. So we give and give and just end up empty.

We don’t know how to love anymore. We think that love is returned text messages, romantic kisses, a little effort, and someone who doesn’t try to sleep with us on the first date.

We skip past the butterflies, the nervous dinners, and the awkward should-we-kiss-or-not moments. We don’t get to know people, really know them. Know the way their nose crinkles when they laugh, what gets them fired up, the way they like their eggs, or their favorite quote.

We don’t take the time to understand the inner workings of one another’s minds, the quirks, the interactions that make the relationship truly special.

We see each other’s bodies before we know each other’s hearts. Then we frantically work backwards, trying to make up for all we’ve lost.

Dating has become this terrain to navigate. And love is this glorified, semi-unrealistic thing we fall into by accident. We’re supposed to weed out people that aren’t compatible and not looking for the same things, and somehow in all that mess, we’re supposed to find ‘the one.’ This lover who will complete us, melt into our lives in all the right ways.

But love isn’t like that.

There isn’t this magical man or woman who will complete us, whose heart will fully interweave with ours without conflict or doubt. We don’t just find this person—there is no perfect person.

People are flawed and difficult. Even in the most wonderful person, there will be ways he/she doesn’t measure up. Our relationships will still be challenging, frustrating, and downright hard. So we can’t expect this ideal because it will pull us away, keep us wishing for something we’ll never find.

We need to stop chasing this idea that there’s a ‘Mr/Miss Right’ out there. We need to quit bringing one another’s faults into the light. We need to stop seeing people as stepping stones to our ‘one true love’. And we need to stop giving ourselves away to people who don’t deserve us, just because we’re trying to desperately to fall in love.

Love isn’t found on a phone screen, or in the small-talk on a date. It isn’t found bouncing from person to person, from seeing someone’s naked body.

It isn’t found by chasing perfection. Because perfection isn’t real.

Love and perfection are two different things. Love is real. Finding someone who will drive you crazy, but still make your life wonderful—that’s real. Learning someone’s inner fears, discovering what makes them laugh, finally working up the courage to kiss them—that’s real.

That’s what dating and what love are supposed to be about: finding a person whose mind and heart connect with yours in strange, fun, new, and flawed ways.

Finding something real. Something beautiful, rather than perfect.

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From Thought Catalog by Marisa Donnelly

We Don’t Always End Up With The Loves Of Our Lives (And That’s Okay)

 

I believe in Big Love.

I talk and I date like I don’t.

I don’t have frivolous expectations for romance. I’m not looking to get swept off my feet. I am one of those rare, perhaps slightly jaded individuals who actually likes hookup culture and is happy to live in an age in which monogamy is not necessarily the norm.

But I believe in big love because I’ve had it.

I’ve had that massive love. That all-consuming love. That ‘I can’t believe this exists in the physical realm of this planet’ kind of love.

The kind of love that erupts into an uncontrollable blaze an then simmers down to embers and burns quietly, comfortably, for years. The kind of love they write novels and symphonies about. The kind of love that teaches more than you thought you could ever learn, and gives back infinitely more than it takes.

It is the ‘Love of your life’ kind of love.

And believe it works like this:

If you’re lucky, you get to meet the love of your life. You get to be with them, to learn from them, to give the whole of yourself over to them and allow their influence to change you in unfathomable measures. It’s an experience like nothing else we have on this earth.

But here is what the fairytales won’t tell you – sometimes we meet the loves of our lives, but we do not get to keep them.

We do not get to marry them, to pass our years alongside them, to hold their hands on their deathbeds after a life lived well and together.

We do not always get to hold onto the loves of our lives, because in the real world, love doesn’t conquer all. It doesn’t resolve irreparable differences, it doesn’t triumph over illness and disease, it doesn’t bridge religious rifts or save us from ourselves when we’re corrupting.

We don’t always get to hold onto the loves of our lives because sometimes love is not all that there is. Sometimes you want a tiny country home with three kids and they want a bustling career in the city. Sometimes you have a whole, wide world to go explore and they are scared to venture out of their backyard. Sometimes you have bigger dreams than one another.

Sometimes the biggest, most loving move you can possibly make is to let each other go.

Other times you don’t get a choice.

But here’s another thing they won’t tell you about finding the love of your life: not ending up with them doesn’t disqualify their significance.

Some people can love you more in a year than others could love you in fifty. Some people can teach you more within a single day than others could teach you over the entire course of a lifetime.

Some people come into our lives only for a particular period of time, but make an impact that no one else can ever quite match or replace.

And who are we to call those people anything but the loves of our lives?

Who are we to downplay their significance, to rewrite their memories, to alter the ways in which they changed us for the better, simply because our paths diverged? Who are we to decide that we desperately need to replace them – to find a bigger, better, stronger, more passionate love that we can hold onto for a lifetime?

Maybe we just ought to be grateful that we got to meet these people at all.

That we got to love them. That we got to learn from them. That we got to have our lives expand and flourish as a result of having known them.

Meeting and letting go of the love of your life doesn’t have to be your life’s single greatest tragedy.

If you let it, it can be your greatest blessing.

After all, some people never get to meet them at all.

***

From Thought Catalog by Heidi Priebe

Why you’re doing your relationship wrong

 

Having come from an 8 year abusive relationship, I would have to say that the one I have right now with my current squeeze is refreshing. What makes it more beautiful is that prior to its inception, I had read Neale Donald Walsh’s Conversations with God, as recommended by a friend. The words that he wrote, as he claimed were told to him by God Himself, blew my mind.

In the book, he says that WE ALL GO INTO RELATIONSHIPS FOR THE WRONG REASONS. We always ask ourselves prior to getting in one, “What can I get from this? What can he/she give me in return? What’s in it for me?” 

And if you really think about it, if this is your frame of mind, the relationship is bound to FAIL. Because if you keep asking yourself what’s in it for you, you’re bound to have EXPECTATIONS. You want the person to be perfect. You want him/her to fulfill all your needs and wants etc. etc.

But what if he/she doesn’t? Then what?

Then you get disappointed. Then you start throwing a tantrum. Then the fights start.

In the book, Walsh says that we have to go into the relationship telling ourselves “Okay, this is the person that I want. And this is the love that I have to give. I am going into this relationship because I have all this love that I want to share.

It sounds pretty simple, but it spells a world of a difference!

When you have such a positive perspective and you think about love as something you GIVE and not something THAT HAS TO BE GIVEN TO YOU, you create a partnership. You create a real bond that’s not always looking for a return on investment. 

I got involved with my ex-boyfriend at the age of 19 and we were together till I turned 26. Looking back, it was silly of me to have been involved with someone so seriously because those were my developing years. I was so determined to marry him even though he would treat me badly. (Thank God I dodged that bullet!) But at the time, I forged on because in my head, “I’ve gone this far, I can’t give up now!” This resulted in many years of depression and loneliness, even though I was attached. I was waiting for my return on investment.

And when I didn’t get it, I was at a dead end.

There I was expecting that he would change. But he never did.

I learned later on that the kind of love I was giving him even when I was unhappy wasn’t love at all. I felt like a vendor who didn’t get paid. It felt like I was staying because he was indebted to me.

Fast forward to years later and after having read that life changing book, I now know better. Love now has become more of a want rather than a need. I want to be with him because I love him. Because I have all this love to give and he deserves it. I don’t mind if he doesn’t reply back within 5 minutes of receiving my text because  he may be driving. Before, I would dramatize scenarios in my head that the reason why he may not be replying was because he didn’t love me. But now, it feels so light to love this way. When you love and love and love and you don’t care about your return on investment. It just feels good to give it away. Now that infamous Bible quote really makes sense.

[“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.- 1 Corinthians 13:4-8]

I know what you’re thinking. How can I stop myself from expecting from him/her? If you think that this perspective is so one-sided, because it’s human nature to always look for how a situation can help you…

Then it’s simple. It isn’t love. It’s love that you seek from someone else but only you can give yourself.

What you have may not be love at all (in the complete sense of the word), but attention.

Before you enter a relationship, I think that it is vital that you are completely whole and that you completely love all parts of yourself before you can give it away. That sounds cliche but it makes the most sense when you think about it this way.

Your partner shouldn’t be the one having to call you beautiful all the time or singing you praises all the time. If he/she can’t, then let it go. Give it to yourself. The things that you expect him/her to do, do it for yourself. Do your best to fill all the voids so that way you won’t have to NEED anyone. And it would feel TEN TIMES MORE AMAZING to feel that you WANT to be with this person.

I have made this mindset my advocacy to share it with anyone who will listen. Believe me, that it makes a HUGE difference in how you perceive everything. If you’re reading this, I hope this post changes your life somehow.

xoxo,

Cristine

How to Keep the Girl You Love

Lately I am hearing so many stories about heartbreak. The stories seem the same… a girl leaves a broken relationship. She feels like he is crushing her spirit, he is no longer passionate about her, he says critical and hurtful words, he treats her like an option, and the list of reasons goes on. What surprises me the most is that when the girl finally walks away from all the hurt the guy is often surprised. What he doesn’t realize is that she left a dozen warnings maybe more that she was broken, that she could not fight anymore, that he has crushed her spirit. Instead of fighting for her he lets her walk away.

What guys don’t realize is that it is often quite simple to keep the girl you love. Of course there are the obvious things like being faithful, honesty, and just don’t be a big jerk! However there are little things that you can do to make her feel your love and devotion. When you do these things you are more likely to keep her then lose her and the relationship will strengthen. In the end you may even experience the most amazing relationship of your life.

1. It’s the little things that matter. It’s the gentle touch of your hand, how you wipe the hair out of her eyes, how you stare into her eyes, the random hug or kiss throughout the day, the simple text letting her know you are thinking about her. Text her every morning to say Good Morning Beautiful! You don’t have to do all these things every single day but most definitely make sure you are doing random little ‘I love you’s, I see you, I acknowledge your beauty things’ everyday.

2. Make her feel like the most beautiful girl in the world. That she is your dream woman. That you want to runaway with her. Women want to feel beautiful. We especially want to feel beautiful by the man we love.

3. Remember what is special to her. Show her you care about these things. Ask questions about her family, her children, her work, whatever she is passionate about. When you genuinely take an interest in her life her heart opens and love flows.

4. Notice the small things. How you think it’s cute how she looks when she wakes up, how her nail polish has sock marks in it or how she works hard to accomplish her latest goal. These things may seem unimportant but it truly is the small things that you notice that matter.

5. Have fun together and act silly! Jump off the boat and do cannon balls, playfully tease her or tell her how she makes you smile every time you think of her. Life should be enjoyed so why not do it together!

6. Kiss her Passionately. Grab her and kiss her like you can’t get enough of her. When you kiss tell her it was better than you dreamed it would be. There should always be a little romance sprinkled into your relationship.

7. Don’t take her spark away. A woman’s spirit is gentle, treat it with respect and love. You can either crush her spirit or encourage it. Critical and harsh words crush the spark within the spirit. Be careful with your tongue. Don’t let it blow out the beautiful and inspiring spirit that women contain. When you help this spark grow you can experience the greatest passion you will ever know. The men that crush this gentle spirit never experience all the beauty she has to offer.

A girl will move mountains for a man that adores, appreciates and truly loves her. A woman can sense a fake so don’t do these things without pure intentions in your heart. An authentic man that does these things creates a passionate and pure love within the woman he loves. Of course there are a lot more factors that determine if someone stays or not. Choose to do your best at loving your beautiful lady. Choose her daily and see the difference it makes in your relationship.

***

From: Huffington Post by Amanda Rose

15 Signs You’re In an Unhappy — or Loveless — Marriage

 

Making the decision to leave a marriage is scary: There’s often a deep fear of being alone, not to mention the possibility of an unknown future. So many stick with mediocrity, settling for low-level pain and dissatisfaction instead.

But that’s not your best bet: “Staying in a seriously unhappy marriage can have long-term effects on our mental and emotional health,” says Carrie Cole, a couples therapist and Master Certified Gottman Therapist by the Gottman Institute. Research shows that people in bad marriages usually have low self-esteem, struggle with anxiety and depression, and have a higher rate of illness than those who don’t. People feel sad and grieve when they decide to let go — but people who divorce do recover emotionally, and Cole says most find new relationships. In fact, “one statistic reported that 85 percent of those who divorce remarry within five years,” she says.

If any these signs hit home for you, it’s time to take a hard look at whether this is a marriage you want to stay in.

1. YOU AREN’T HAVING SEX ANYMORE

One warning sign would be that your relationship is totally sexless, says sex and relationship therapist Megan Fleming, Ph.D. — or if you’re having sex less than 10 times a year. After all, she says, it’s intimacy that separates a romantic relationship from all other sorts of relationships you might have. “When that’s going out the window, it’s a really big red flag.” Jane Greer, relationship therapist and author of What About Me? Stop Selfishness From Ruining Your Relationship, says that a lack of visible physical affection — like kissing or hugging — is also indicative of a real problem.

2. YOU HAVE NOTHING TO SAY TO EACH OTHER

When something comes up in life, whether that’s a work event or any accomplishment and your partner isn’t the first person you’re sharing it with — or one of the firsts, Fleming says that it may be that “you prefer to get your needs mets outside the relationship.” To that end, Greer points out that not having any meaningful conversations aside from “rudimentary conversations about chores and things that need to get done” is a warning sign that your relationship is not in a good place.

3. YOU’RE WITH EACH OTHER…BUT NOT REALLY WITH EACH OTHER

“You can be in the same room, one of you on the computer, one of you [watching TV],” Fleming says, but “if you find that you’re never actively engaging together — you’re together, alone, doing your own thing — that’s an indication there’s disconnection, or a lack of connection.”

4. YOU’RE ACTIVELY IGNORING YOUR GUT

Our instincts can often tell us first when a relationship just isn’t working — but we don’t always trust that voice, says couples therapist Susan Pease Gadoua, co-author of The New I Do: Reshaping Marriage for Skeptics, Realists and Rebels“We often ignore our gut instincts because that voice is very quiet and calm, unlike the internal voice in our heads that thrives on high drama.” We’re trained to trust logic in many areas of life, so when a niggling feeling (“Am I really still in love with this person?”) presents itself, it’s hard to pay attention to it because there aren’t any hard facts or rational reasoning. Drill down on that initial instinct and ask yourself more specific questions. If you find your responses are things like, “I don’t feel safe to express myself, I don’t feel respected and haven’t felt happy in a long time,” that’s a sign that things have gone awry — and you shouldn’t ignore it. “The truth doesn’t go away simply because we don’t want it to be there; that voice stays in the background and weighs on you,” says Gadoua. “Getting quiet within is key to being able to hear instincts. And like a muscle, the more you trust your gut, the easier it becomes to decipher that voice — which comes from your heart — from the voice in your head.”

5. YOU’RE PREOCCUPIED WITH OTHER PEOPLE’S NEEDS AND PROBLEMS

Many women stay in relationships longer than they should because they tend to put the needs of others before their own. And since women often naturally take on the role of caretakers, they can lose parts of their own identity — and a sense of their own needs — in the process. “In order to face her relationship unhappiness, a woman needs to stop distracting herself by putting other people’s needs ahead of her own,” says Gadoua. “Doing this can be a way of avoiding her own painful truth.” So if you find yourself getting unnecessarily involved in a fight between your mother and sister, or you’re always rushing around trying to make other people’s lives easier, it might be time to take a hard look at your own relationship.

6. THE DISTANCE BETWEEN YOU KEEPS GROWING — AND YOU’RE WAITING TO GET HELP

One way to distinguish between a run-of-the-mill marital rut (where you’ve, say, fallen into boring routines and don’t have much sex anymore) and a loveless marriage is to ask yourself how long the situation has been this way, and whether it’s been steadily worsening. “Most couples go through rough times, but if the difficulties last more than two years, with no sign of relief, I’d recommend seeking professional help,” says Gadoua. And sooner is always better to avoid passing the point of no return. “It would be ideal if we could tune into our longings and needs well before we get to the point that the love we once had is dead,” says Cole, who notes that the average couple waits six years from the time they recognize relationship problems until the time they try therapy. By then, it’s often too late — the problems in the marriage can corrode it to the point where it may be unsalvageable. So play it safe and consider scheduling a therapy session if you’re struggling.

7. YOU FANTASIZE ABOUT A LIFE WITHOUT YOUR SPOUSE

If you often imagine a happy (happy is the key word here) future without your partner, that’s a major sign that things aren’t right. This is a part of the emotional detachment process, during which you may try to convince yourself that you don’t care anymore so that the eventual separation feels less painful, says relationship therapist Jamie Turndorf, Ph.D., author of Kiss Your Fights Goodbye“Detaching psychologically by fantasizing about having an affair or making plans for the future that don’t include your partner can all be signs that you’ve fallen out of love,” says Turndorf. “It’s as if the mind has pulled its own plug so our hearts won’t suffer as much when the relationship ends.” If you notice this mental pattern, take it a step further to see if the fantasy holds weight. Gadoua suggests checking out real apartment listings online, and paying attention to how you feel. “It’ll give you another layer of reality, which can then help you know what the right next step is,” she says. As you click through, check in with your emotions. If excitement or relief is your prominent emotion (rather than fear or apprehension), it may be a sign to acknowledge that there are serious problems in your marriage. “But before actually taking steps to leave, see if there are things you can — or want — to do to work on the relationship,” says Gadoua. That way, if you ultimately decide to leave, “you can do so with some peace of mind,” she says. “It’s never easy to end a relationship, but having lingering regret that you could have done more can make the decision harder.”

8. YOU’VE STOPPED FIGHTING

If you’ve given up fighting, but feel further away than ever, it’s a sign that you’ve reached a crossroads. “If there’s a fight and the couple doesn’t talk about what happened, or becomes gridlocked in their position and refuses to listen to their partner’s perspective, that’s not good,” says Cole. However, you might still be able to turn it around. “Unresolved conflict can fool us into thinking that our love is lost, when it’s actually only buried beneath the ashes of smoldering resentment and anger,” says Turndorf. In other words, the love could still be there, but you just can’t access it. To get back in touch with those feelings, turn toward your partner emotionally —which creates closeness and connection—rather than ignoring them or responding negatively, which creates distance and disengagement. “Fights can lead to greater intimacy if the couple processes the fight and repairs the relationship,” says Cole. It’s up to you to decide whether you’ve got it in you to turn toward your husband and give it one last go, or whether you’ve maxed out your ability to keep fighting for your relationship.

9. YOU HAVE ONE OR MORE OF THE BIG RELATIONSHIP DESTROYERS

According to Cole, there are four behaviors that are super-destructive to relationships. If one or more is present in your relationship, you could be on the fast track to loveless-ness (if you’re not there already). Every time you criticize your partner — by attacking, blaming, and putting the fault on them by flinging negative statements like “You’re always running late,” or “You never do anything right” — you corrode your connection. By being defensive and refusing to accept responsibility, or attacking in response to feedback from your partner, you chip away at the trust and goodwill in your marriage. If you have an attitude of contempt, and call your partner names or make stinging, sarcastic remarks, you imply that you’re superior and your partner is defective. And every time you stonewall one another, or emotionally shut down instead of openly addressing the issues, you create more distance and dishonesty, rather than openness, communication, and love. If any (or all) of these sounds familiar, schedule couples’ therapy to discuss why you do these things — and how you can fix them.

10. YOU DON’T FEEL HEARD (AND YOU MIGHT NOT BE LISTENING)

When you sit down to talk with your spouse about what’s working and what isn’t, do you hear crickets? Or feel like nothing changes, no matter how vocal you are about your feelings? That’s a problem, says Turndorf. “The most powerful tool we have for resolving our conflicts is listening and understanding one another,” she says. “When we invite our partners to share what we’ve done to let them down, and when we truly listen and understand their feelings, decades of hurt and anger can easily fade away.” So make a point of listening for the underlying emotions and messages in your partner’s words — everyday issues, like yelling about whose turn it is to take out the trash, could be stemming from something deeper. “In most situations where couples go from being best friends to loveless opponents, I uncover a pattern of poor communication, dashed expectations and unhealed resentments,” says Gadoua. “They think the fight really is about taking the garbage out, when in fact it’s more likely about one or both feeling unappreciated, overwhelmed or unacknowledged.” And once you finally hear what they’re trying to tell you (or vice versa) you can get to the bottom of the real issue.

11. YOU’RE ON THE VERGE OF HAVING AN EMOTIONAL AFFAIR

If you’re not happy with your husband, you might be falling into an emotional affair, making another male the priority in your life. And thanks to today’s technology, it’s easier than ever to get caught up. “Technology has allowed people who might never risk having any kind of affair to flirt online,” says Dr. Wendy M. O’Connor, a licensed marriage, family therapist, relationship coach, and author of Love Addiction: How to Overcome Toxic Relationships & Find Love. “This creates a situation of ‘temptation,’ and not everything that takes place online stays online. People are bolder when hiding behind a screen, and often click on send without thinking first.” If your relationship is already on the rocks, giving yourself to someone else — even if that’s only virtually — will only make things worse.

12. YOU’RE GOING TO YOUR FRIENDS INSTEAD OF YOUR PARTNER

When people have exciting news to share or even just need someone to talk to, they typically speed dial the person closest to them. If that used to be your spouse but is now someone else — whether that’s a girlfriend or another man — it’s a clear sign you’re not in the happy marriage you used to be. “Research shows that in healthy marriages, couples celebrate each other’s successes. If you’re turning to [someone else] first in good times and bad, then you’re replacing your husband emotionally and avoiding addressing what isn’t working with him,” says Dr. Paulette Sherman, psychologist, director of My Dating and Relationship School and author of Dating from the Inside Out. Try putting your husband into your #1 spot again. If you’re not getting the support you need — or you don’t even want it in the first place — it might be time to sit down and have a serious discussion about your relationship.

13. YOU DON’T LIKE SPENDING QUALITY TIME TOGETHER

After getting home from a long day of work, do you and your spouse immediately go your separate ways? And when you’re at parties, do you tend to drift apart and do your own thing? If you’d rather be alone than with your husband, it probably doesn’t seem like there’s much of a point in being in a relationship in the first place. Getting a little time apart is one thing, but the trouble really starts when you’d rather be apart.

14. DATE NIGHTS ARE A THING OF THE PAST

Can’t remember your last date night? If you’re not planning any important or special events together on top of not spending time together in general, that’s not good news for your relationship, says Greer. Make an effort to get a couple outings on the schedule — maybe a movie night or a dinner at your favorite spot — and see if you can rekindle the flame. Marriages take work, and putting in the effort on things that bond you as a couple is part of that.

15. YOU’RE NOT EACH OTHER’S PRIORITY ANYMORE

When you say your “I dos,” you’re making each other your top priority above anything and anyone else. When you lose that essential part of your marriage, you can lose the person that once meant the world to you. If you’re not making your husband a priority in your life anymore — or if he’s not making you his — it’s going to be really hard to stay a solid unit. Try going back to prioritizing your time together, each other’s feelings, and each other’s goals to get back into a healthy place before it’s too late.

***

From RedBook Mag

Is It Normal to Have a Crush When You’re in a Relationship?

Certain (annoying) people love to brag about how they tell their partner everything, as if a 100 percent disclosure rate is the key to a perfectly healthy relationship (it isn’t). There are some things you don’t necessarily need to tell your partner — like, for instance, how you think the guy who always spells your name wrong on your Starbucks cup is actually really cute. A spoiler: Having little crushes on people, even when you’re in the happiest relationship of your life, is both very common, and very normal. But if the feelings persist or you feel tempted to cross a line, those feelings are a sign that you need to ask yourself how happy you actually are with your current partner.

To ease everyone’s general concern about which feelings you’re allowed to have when you’re in a relationship, Rachel Sussman, a New York-based therapist and relationship expert, cleared up the air when it comes to the very messy territory of navigating extra-relationship crushes.

Drawing a line between crush and Crush

The definition of “having a crush” is extremely broad. A crush can be something as simple and light as a flittery feeling in your chest when you notice the cute barista is working at your local coffeeshop, or a deeper feeling of near-infatuation you feel for your “friend” in class who you’ve been studying with on a more frequent basis.

Sussman said the first definition, or having a light crush on a stranger or near-stranger, is perfectly harmless. “As human beings, we’re very visual,” she said. “We love a beautiful piece of art, we admire beauty. There’s nothing wrong with admiring a beautiful person on the street.” She even added that there’s nothing wrong with some mild flirting, as might be the case with the aforementioned cute barista. It’s fun to flirt! It’s a confidence boost! Go for it!

But, of course, flirting can cross a line if you’re in a monogamous, closed relationship with someone. Like, let’s say you start feeling like you have a crush on a coworker, or someone you know relatively well and see almost every day. It’s one thing to notice someone else is hot and want to flirt with that person almost as a sport, but it’s another for a crush to deepen into feelings that may cause distress in your relationship.

Sussman’s rule of thumb is that if it’s causing you distress, and doesn’t feel like a fleeting thing, you should take a step back and examine your relationship. Are you as happy as you say you are? Did something shift recently that caused the dynamic to change. Sussman mentioned things like a new job, starting grad school, moving to college, etc. can often cause a partner to feel neglected, or like they’re receiving less attention than they once were. Or if this is a relationship you’ve been in for a long time, maybe the crush that won’t go away is a sign that your tastes or personality has changed, and you and your partner are no longer fitting together like you once did.

“Oftentimes, the crush is just the tip of the iceberg,” Sussman said. “If you’re developing feelings for someone else, there may be something broken with your relationship.”

The case for not disclosing your crush

All this said, you shouldn’t rush home and immediately tell your partner about the cute barista (unless you’re in a relationship where discussing sexual fantasies like that is totally cool), or the actual crush you have on a coworker or someone more serious. Sussman’s advice is to figure out your own feelings before disclosing everything to your partner.

“Don’t go home and vomit this information unless you understand what’s behind it,” she said. “Oftentimes, these things can be very innocent, and once you put that out there that there’s someone you have a crush on, it’s very hard for the person that you give that information to to process it and let it go. You might be able to work it out and move on, but your [partner] might not be able to.”

If it turns out that the crush is actually something serious — like you have real feelings for someone else that you feel compelled to explore, or you realize that the crush is a sign you aren’t happy in your relationship — then that’s the conversation you should have with your partner. As Sussman said, the crush feelings for this other person are just (in some cases) the visible symptom of a deeper issue with your relationship.

Sussman also said these little crushes happen all the time — both with couples who’ve been together for decades, and with couples who’ve been together for a month. For the latter category, she would prompt you to ask yourself if you’re still in “singles mode,” and just aren’t yet used to being in a monogamous situation. Or maybe it’s that, a month in, you realize a closed relationship isn’t what you want. If that’s the case — don’t be in one! Her advice is to “play the field,” keep dating, and have as many crushes as your little heart can handle.

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From: Cosmo India by Hannah Smothers 

 

Selena’s Reason For Giving Justin Another Chance Is Relatable

Are Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez really, truly, actually back together? According to a Selena insider who spoke to People, pretty much yes, and it has everything to do with the fact that the two were each other’s first loves.

The couple known as #JELENA to millions of fans has had their ups and downs over the years, but after going on a romantic bike ride together and then going to church twice together recently, it appears that they’re extremely close to being a public power couple, with Justin reportedly being the one nudging Selena to get back together.

As for why Selena would want to give dating the Biebs another go: According to that People source, “Justin was Selena’s first love. He will always have a special place in her heart. She’s always held out hope that one day the circumstances and timing would be right.”

The source also added that Selena “always saw the best in him” through their first run at a relationship, which is another part of why it seems she’s ready and willing to not just spend more time with him, but also do so in the full eye of the public. And this time, Justin’s ready to meet her at a new maturity level, as a source from his camp shares, “They’re having a great time together. Neither [is] seeing anyone else and they seem happy to leave it at this for now.”

“Spending time together makes them both very happy. For Justin, no one ever came close to comparing to Selena. He always thought she was the most special and now seems mature enough to realize Selena deserves the best.”

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From Cosmo.ph by Lilian Min

FAQs

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I specialize in helping people make their relationships work. I also give advice to those who feel that their relationship is on the rocks and if it’s even worth saving.

More importantly, (and this is what I feel that you’re probably here for), I help people recover and heal from their already broken relationship. I also offer advice on the legal intricacies and logistics of what you need to consider when going through a divorce or separation.

In the event that you haven’t had a relationship yet, or you have and would like to get into the dating game, I also offer a program that helps you to potentially meet the one.

How do you work?

I get several emails from people who need help in some way or the other from around the world. Now, not all of them can be helped or they end up asking for help in a problem that have nothing to do with the dating scene.

This is why I came up with the screening system.

All you have to do is pop me an email : breakupcoachonline@gmail.com

Please put ‘INQUIRY’ in the subject line so I can easily get to your email.

After reading your email and analyzing your problem, my team and I will come up with a customized program to help you. Together we can:

a. REBUILD your relationship;

b. REGAIN full control of your life;

c. Make you feel EXCITED about life again;

d. Make you LOOK FORWARD to establishing relationships with others.

How soon can you respond to emails?

We do our best to get back to you within 24 hours. But typically, three days. Within those three days, we send you a questionnaire to fill up. This will easily give me an idea of whether I can help you with your issues.

What are your qualifications?

I am a lawyer specializing in family and property law. One of my passions is to help those in troubled relationships, having had the opportunity to volunteer and work with organizations that cater to abused women and children, aside from the cases that I handle.

I have seen and experienced myself the kinds of abuse that different kinds of people are capable of doing and are capable of tolerating.

This is why I devote myself to helping others in any way I can to make sure that they don’t have to go through the rest of their lives suffering.

It’s possible.

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My work allows me to travel a lot. But I mostly work with clients over email or on Skype.

Some clients want to be anonymous so they prefer email or messenger as their go-to option.

Others located in other places around the globe prefer to keep in touch through Skype.

What will I get from all this? Does it even work?

YES. Ultimately, my goal is to help you discover what else does life have to offer you. Joining my coaching program would help you feel better about yourself.

I want you to discover that you can bounce back from this problem.

I want you to love life.

I believe that taken collectively, positive vibes and positive energy helps change society for the better.

I want you to start with one person at a time. 

My clients are usually people who simply want to have someone to talk to because they’re sick of talking to their friends and family about their issues. They need someone to be with them every step of the way on their road to recovery and self-discovery.

Let me know how you want me to help.

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