Should you have SEX on the First Date?

This is quite a controversial topic since everyone will tell you left and right NOT TO DO IT. To some extent, I agree. But on the flip side, there’s also that voice that tells you to QUIT PLAYING MIND GAMES and just do what you honestly feel. Women, in particular, are hounded by this. We women are always stuck with having to use our brain, our heart or our libido. Here, I will outline what you should consider before picking either option.

WHY YOU SHOULDN’T DO IT:

  • Because you have to get to know the person more before you decide to let him/her into such an intimate part of your life. For the ladies, you don’t want to give him a freebie for simply knowing you. You feel that he has to earn it. Besides, the chasing game can be fun, if you have a lot of time to spare.

 

  • Because sex comes with consequences. You don’t want to contract an STD (God forbid!) or get pregnant by/ father someone who is not invested in you or you’re not invested in. I know of a girl who slept with someone on her first Tinder date. She got pregnant and when she told the father of the baby, he completely disowned her and the child. This wouldn’t have been the case if he got to know her on a deeper level and really established (at least) a friendship with her. She’s now raising the child on her own, which is a brave thing to do… but also extremely difficult.

 

  • Because the age old adage may be true“Easy come easy go.” A lot of men I have talked to say that the easier it is to sleep with a woman, the easier it is for them to leave her. A male friend of mine said “If it’s easy for her to sleep with me, I can’t shake off the idea of how many others were there like me she had already gone to bed with on the first date.” The feminist side of me felt like arguing my way around this statement, but apparently, a lot of men agree.

 

  • Because you want to keep your reputation. If men sleep around, he’s branded as someone full of machismo. He’s considered as an idol among his male peers. But, put a woman in his shoes, and she’s immediately branded a slut. I am completely against slut shaming, but this is something that society hasn’t refigured yet. It’s just something we have to roll with, and protesting is out of the question.

 

WHY YOU SHOULD DO IT:

  • Because life is short and you wouldn’t want to waste your time. This is pretty self-explanatory. Who knows when you will meet this person again? By the time you do, you may not have the same feelings towards him anymore. Also, as some of my male friends point out, “Before you buy the car, you have to test drive it.” Same concept applies to sex. You don’t want to invest a whole lot of feelings for this person, and then find out months later that you’re far from being sexually compatible.

 

  • Because your attraction level is so strong and you just can’t help yourself. You may have known this person for quite a while, and you may be so physically attracted. When this happens, you chuck out the decision making struggle and just go with it.

 

  • Because you want to be true to yourself. Enough with the mind games. You want his person and you want him/her NOW.

 

  • Because it’s been so long. You’ve been out of the dating scene for awhile and the idea of someone coming on to you is just too irresistible. You tell yourself, just this once, like it isn’t gonna hurt in the morning.

 

  • Because you don’t care what people say. What you do is your business. Not theirs. In your mind, they’re just jealous because they’re not getting some. And you are!

 

A FINAL WORD. 

Whatever it is you decide to choose, just know that either option comes with its own set of benefits and consequences. Just always be SAFE. Wear condoms, take your pills, whatever floats your boat. At the end of the day, experiences, whatever they may be, influence our future in one way or the other. It’s all up to you what you make of it.

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EMAIL ME: breakupcoachonline@gmail.com

Should I date someone I met online?

Online dating has always gotten a bad rep because there are a lot of people out there who ruin it for us. What with reports regarding date rape and the spread of HIV, who wouldn’t be scared of dating someone you meet online? Especially if you’re a woman on the prowl.

But here’s what they don’t tell you.

At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter.

There will always be bad people walking this planet. Your job is to look out for yourself and detect when something isn’t quite right.

On the flip side of things, there are far more good people in this world than there are bad. What if it works out? What if this person is the one you’re looking for? Then you would definitely regret not having given him/her a chance to get to know you. Whether or not the relationship built transcends into something romantic, at least you have gained a new friend, or a new member of your network.

I know of several people who have successful relationships borne from the internet. There are those who live continents apart and managed to make it work. There are even those that never blossomed into romance, but they ended up being good friends or even business partners. Technology should be used to communicate and forge relationships that would never have happened.

But how do you go on a date with someone you met online without being paranoid? Here are a couple of tips.

  • Find a common friend. I generally would trust someone I met online if we had at least ONE common friend who could vouch for him. Before a date, I would probably milk said common friend of any information I could get so I would know what to expect.
  • But what if you don’t have a common friend? Establish a relationship with him online for a little longer. It’s important that you get to know more personal details about your date for security and safety purposes. In the event you do decide to go out with him, you should leave any information that you can with a trusted friend. This way, if anything bad comes up, they would know where to find you.
  • Take a photo of your date and send it to your friend. Again, for emergency purposes.
  • Don’t try to over impress him. If you’re interested, it’s best to show him the real you instead of putting up a front. When you’re yourself, you enjoy the experience so much more. Remember: at the end of the day, your goal is to gain a new friend, and not necessarily a new boyfriend just yet.
  • Wear something comfortable. There’s nothing more annoying than having to pull down your skirt when it climbs up your butt, or having to constantly cover your cleavage. Trust me, your dating experience will fare much better when you dress more comfortably and decently rather than slutty. This way, you also won’t be bothered by your date constantly checking out your chest.
  • Have fun. This is a choice. It’s your choice to make the most of any experience and online dating turned real life is no different. Stop overanalyzing every single move he makes and just take it for what it is. If you’re worried about the kind of impression you’re making, he probably is too. Relax and enjoy. Treat him like you would a friend and everything will be easier.

xoxo,

Cristine

 

30 Things Divorced People Think You Should Know About Marriage

Just because someone is divorced doesn’t mean he or she didn’t walk away from a failed marriage without learning some valuable lessons on marriage. Quite the opposite, actually.It’s in failure that we often garner our most strength and wisdom. Like Janet Fitch says, “The phoenix must burn to emerge.”

Divorced people have “burned” and emerged, and most often for the best. We know better — we want better. We understand marriage in an intimate yet difficult way. Some of us wish we did things differently — some of us wish we had married a better fit. No matter what the tale, you can learn a lot about the value and delicacies of marriage from someone who loved and lost.

1. Your marriage is not as good as your vows. It’s what you put into it each day.
2. The roots of your love need to run deep from the start. If the love is attraction- or surface-based, the love will die.
3. Some parts of your marriage will be frustrating, but love enough to be patient to ride out the lows and receive the highs.
4. The grass is not always greener. Even if it looks more lush, you don’t know the quality of the soil.

5.  Tend to the garden of your marriage, lest it get overrun by weeds.

 

6. It’s more than the ring. Can you imagine growing old or being sick with this person?
7. It’s best to cool off alone before throwing down harsh words in a fight.
8. Both of you need to take turns steering the wheel.
9. If your partner backs away and avoids talking, you may have to wait for them to come back around. Patiently.
10. Marriage is not always exciting. Finding the joy in the day-to-day will serve your marriage well.
11. A good marriage means getting your hands dirty. Participating each day. Not expecting perfection.
12. We are all under construction as works in progress. Accept your partner as long as he or she is working on it.
13. Intimacy is the one thing that separates your marriage from your other relationships. Nurture it.
14. A good marriage requires two people who are both still learning about life and each other.
15.  Sometimes, marriage requires you to bend down and tie your partner’s shoes when he or she just can’t do it.
16. Expect there to be some serious storms in your marriage. You might question your love for your partner and feel alone at times.
17. But good marriages have two partners who work through tough times and see the light of a brand-new, better day.
18. A good partnership is simple, really. It just feels easy — most of the time.
19. If your partner feels like he or she has an eye, hold, or lock on you, it’s not love. It’s toxic control.
20. Love is letting the other party rest sometimes and be lazy. We can’t be our best selves 24/7.
21. And the simple little gestures you do or DON’T do each day add up . . . or subtract.
22. Doing those little gestures can lead to great changes for the good in a marriage.
23. Creating lots of joy, love, and more time to connect and “deposit” in each other’s love accounts is important.
24. Don’t be surprised if you two have issues that can feel as if they’re taking a long time to get over.
25. In marriage, as in life, slow and steady wins the race rather than rushed and hasty.
26. There will be small, tiny moments in your marriage that will feel like heaven. Enjoy that paradise.
27.  Savor it.
28. And let both of you enjoy the fruits of your life. Each of you deserves many bites of happiness.
29. Never let anyone else in your intimate emotional space. Those little “affairs” do so much damage to a marriage.
30. Decide each day to be true to yourself and your partner. Your word and deeds are all your partner has to go on.
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Is This The Reason So Many Relationships Fail?

Eli Finkel, a US university professor specializing in social psychology reckons there’s a very common reason modern relationships fail—and it’s all about our expectations. In an interview with The Atlantic about his new book The All-or-Nothing MarriageFinkel explained he considers many people in relationships too idealistic.

Basically, rather than just being content that our partner provides us with a spare pair of hands to sort out the home and go about our daily lives, we’re expecting them to be everything to us.

We are, he reckons, demanding WAY too much of them. A lot of modern couples expect their significant other to love them because, duh, but also to “help them grow” and become our best selves. We want them to make us feel attractive, smart, hilarious, sexy, basically all the things all the time. And this, he says, is putting so much pressure on our relationships that we are totally screwing them up.

Why though? Finkel says in the past 100 years, marriage and relationship expectations have blurred due to cultural changes.

In his The Atlantic interview, he said:

“I would just urge everybody, think about what you’re looking for from this one relationship and decide, are these expectations realistic in light of who I am, who my partner is, [and] what the dynamics that we have together are? If so, how are we going to achieve all of these things together? Or alternatively, how can we relinquish some of these roles that we play in each others’ lives, and outsource them to, say, another member of your social network?”

What he’s saying is, in order to not overload your partner with expectations, you probs could maybe go to a pal or family member for the assurances your partner can’t give you. And that’s totally fine.

He continues:

“The question isn’t, ‘Are you asking too much?’ The question is, ‘Are you asking the appropriate amount, in light of the nature of the relationship right now? ‘The idea of ‘going all-in’ is, ‘Hell yes. I want to ask my spouse to help make me feel loved and give me an opportunity to love somebody else and also [be] somebody who’s going to help me grow into an ideal, authentic version of myself. And I’m going do the same for him or her. I recognize that that is a massive ask, and because I recognize that that’s a massive ask I’m going to make sure that we have sufficient time together. That when we’re together we’re paying sufficient attention to each other, that the time that we’re investing in the relationship is well-spent.'”

So if Finkel’s theory is true, we need to accept most of our expectations are a tad too much. In order to avoid constant disappointment and inevitably, the end of our relationship, we need to not pile too much pressure on that one person.

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By: Paisley Gilmour for Cosmopolitan

How to Deal When Your Woman Earns More Than You?

As a female lawyer, I’m one of the lucky ones. I am blessed to have a partner who understands the career choice that I have made and doesn’t give me flak for it. He never makes me feel that I should tone down my intelligence and for me, that’s why our relationship works. Even though I potentially earn more than he does on a regular basis.

But when I was in lawschool, I dated men who just couldn’t deal. My ex boyfriend would constantly feel insecure that I would leave him for someone else more successful and stereotypically career-driven. He was a graphic artist you see, and didn’t make a considerable amount of cash since any project given was mostly based on referrals. While I understood his situation and only cared for how he treated me, my ambitions and his just didn’t match. He was happy where he was, and while I was fine with that, he constantly prevented me from reaching my own goals. Needless to say, that relationship failed.

Fast forward to today, and I am constantly being asked how my man deals.

Here’s our thoughts on the matter.

When the woman earns more than her man, the latter should just consider himself blessed. Society has always taught us to be inferior to men, but times have drastically changed and that isn’t the case. Men, on the other hand, have been bred to always be superior to women. But the truth is, we can do whatever men can, if not better. We can raise a family on our own without their help. We aren’t confined anymore to the four corners of a regular household. These days you see women in male dominated industries. You see women in the legal profession, racing cars, arguing with fellow politicians in the Senate, building businesses, or shooting guns at military camps.

So what does this mean for the man? If her personality trumps yours, you only have two options. Whether you stay where you are. Or go where she is going. If you have a woman earning more than you, you tend to be more inspired to hustle. You are now made aware that being inferior just won’t cut it. That being mediocre won’t pay the bills. Instead of sulking about your current situation, use the influence your partner has over you to motivate you and push you harder to achieve your own goals.

Real men are not intimidated by a woman’s success. They step up to meet it.

I have many female lawyer friends who are single but they are wonderful women. They’re gorgeous, smart and have an amazing sense of humour to boot. But they’re single because no man could ever deal with their ambitions. But here’s what I always tell them:

A relationship is a partnership and not a competition.

It’s okay to be single instead of being with someone who sees you as a competitor. From how I see it, when any relationship leads to marriage, having an intelligent, career-driven woman helps the man deal with managing the household more efficiently. The bills are paid and obligations are shared. As a bonus, since the woman has something going for her, there would also be less time for conflict. She won’t feel like she’s selling herself short and is less likely to start blaming her partner for not being able to go after her own dreams.

In my current relationship, we hardly ever argue. I chalk it up to the fact that because we have our own respective careers to think of, there’s just no room for negativity. Instead of berating each other and putting each other down, we lift each other up. Instead of blaming each other, we share the blame for any bumps on the road. Instead of arguing over any financial hiccups, we find a way to get out of it… together.

Train yourself to always see the positive and the good of every situation. If you’re with an intelligent woman, congratulations! You found yourself an amazing partner who won’t settle for mediocrity. Consider her a blessing to keep you on track towards making your dreams come true. And if you’re a woman reading this, never spread yourself too thin. The world is yours. And let no man tell you otherwise.

xoxo,

Cristine.

 

How Do I Stop Being Jealous for No Reason?

I’ve been dating my boyfriend for seven months and we’re about to head off to college. He’s going two hours away from home and I’m going out of state. This relationship has been so incredible and I’m so excited to see where we go in the future. However, I have a really bad habit of getting jealous, even though he has given me no reason to be and has been nothing but reassuring, kind, and loyal to me. How do I allow him to make friends and stop being so clingy and smothering?

I feel for you: Dating someone who’s headed off to college sucks. You aren’t wrong to feel jealous. It’s normal to freak out and imagine he’s kissing some co-ed while you’re studying. It’s scary to send a boyfriend or girlfriend off to start a new phase of life. But extreme jealousy has a funny way of blowing up in your face, if not making all your worst fears come true. You’re smart to try and get ahead of this problem.

To help you deal with these inevitable feelings, first I think you have to accept a few lousy things about distance because they’re unavoidable. Here’s a random assortment of a few: 1. He’s not always going to text or call when you want. 2. He’s going to be busy when you’re not. 3. He’s going to make lots of new friends. 4. Some of them will be cute girls. 5. You’re going to see something on someone’s social media that bothers you. 6. Clueless friends are going to say insensitive things about how he’s definitely fooling around. 7. He’s going to want some space. 8. No matter what, you’re not going to be able to see or talk to him as much as you’d like. 9. Sometimes, his phone really is going to die. And all of the same things will be true for you as well when you’re settling into your new college routine.

I’m not trying to scare you. It’s just that there are dozens of ways in which this long-distance relationship is going to be hard—and if you start off hoping that it’s going to be smooth sailing, you’re bound to be disappointed and jealous when you discover it’s not so easy.

Then next year, be realistic and pick your moments. Think: quality phone calls and visits, not constant contact. Make a few reasonable plans in advance: In addition to regular check-ins, consider scheduling a standing phone call every Sunday night or a visit every other weekend. Sometimes, when things go wrong, you can help control your jealousy if you’ve got a plan on the books to look forward to. Remember that it’s healthy to talk about how much you miss him, but there are degrees: Be honest about your feelings, but don’t lay a guilt trip on him every time you say goodnight.

My big-picture advice: Take care of yourself first. The more you think about him than yourself, the more jealous you’ll be. Practice being alone a little bit before he goes. Don’t just think about missing him—think about all the new things you’ll do at your new school. Keep yourself busy with clubs, classes, meeting new people. If you’re happy and busy with your own life, you’ll be less likely to obsess over his and smother. Remember that obsessive jealousy is just never a good look, and there’s nothing more attractive than a woman who’s got her shit together.

My boyfriend and I have been dating for close to three years. He comes from a relatively strict Catholic family, and they are conservative pro-lifers. I, on the other hand, am very liberal and I do not hold back from making my feminist viewpoints known. My boyfriend however does not see the importance of feminism, and doesn’t find it necessary. He believes men and women already have completely equal rights. Every now and then I try to educate him a little, but he’s pretty firm in his beliefs and has “evidence” of his own to back up his viewpoints, so I usually let it go. Ultimately, his behavior never broaches sexist, and that’s the most important thing for me. I’ve been hearing about a 2018 Women’s March and I was unable to attend the first one, so attending the next one is incredibly important to me. I asked my boyfriend if he’d go with me, and he said he would, but then asked if I’d join him for the March for Life in January. As you can guess, this is not something I want to do at all. The two events stand for completely different things and even though I want to support him, I want to show no support for the pro-life movement. What do you think I should do?

This is a fascinating problem. If I’ve got this right, your boyfriend is a nice guy who treats you well. But he’s also willfully, extremely clueless: Every time anyone tells him about gender-based discrimination (the wage gap, sexual assault rates, domestic abuse stats, sexual harassment headlines, campus rape stories, etc.) he sticks his fingers in his ears and la-la-la’s or tosses out anecdotal counter-evidence because he is certain that everything is absolutely equal and fine and good. But it’s not.

My first thought is: As a woman, it’s going to be really hard to have a long relationship with a guy who denies the fundamental realities of your life. He doesn’t have to call himself a “feminist” and be woke on social media. But he does have to grapple with facts if he’s going to honestly engage with your life. I worry about what happens when he tells you that, no, you’re wrong about how you feel about your life, your experiences, and the forces that shape them.

But my answer to your question is actually quite simple:

Go to the Women’s March or any upcoming event you’d like, whether that’s with your boyfriend, your girl friends, or yourself. Do not cut a deal and agree to go to the March for Life, because you should not be strong-armed into supporting a cause you disagree with as part of some kind of 50/50 deal, regardless of the cause. Sure, if you’re interested in the March for Life, check it out. But if you fundamentally disagree with something, stand by your principles, and explain that you’d rather not lend your support to a movement you oppose.

All I’ll add to that is that I hope you spend some time thinking about what it means to be with a man with such strict conservative beliefs who refuses to see the discrimination all around him. I’ve known couples who got along fine before the big issues came up—but fought like hell when life got more serious and those fundamental disagreements started to have a bigger impact on everyday life. This is just one March, but if this relationship lasts, you’ll want a traveling partner you can trust on the long road ahead.

This weekend I got very drunk with a friend of mine. We ended up making out. I’m not sure what happened because I had blacked out. I feel bad since it was my friend’s first kiss. We’re both gay, I’m a lesbian and she’s bi. I tried telling her that I’m not interested in anything serious, especially with a friend. I just went through a rough breakup with someone I had lots of friends in common with. Ever since that weekend, I’ve noticed her looking at me a lot more and differently, like she’s in love with me. She talks to me that way too. How do I explain that I don’t have feelings for her and I’m not going to kiss her again, without hurting our friendship? 

Look, you can’t help it if you’re an amazing catch (and, sounds like, an amazing kisser). Sometimes, people are just going to fall for you. Since this was your friend’s first kiss, it’s no wonder she’s crushing especially hard on you.

You’re on the right track and this is going to be fine: You’ve just got to figure out how to let this woman down easy. That begins with watching your behavior. It’s all fine and good to say, “I just want to be friends,” but if you start making out with her the next time you get drunk, she’s not going to believe you. And there’s a whole world of grey area in between. The best way to send a clear message is to stop sending mixed messages. Create some distance. Play it cool.

Most of all, if you don’t want to hook up with her, be clear about that. It sounds like you’ve almost said the right thing. You told her you’re not interested in “anything serious” with a friend. But that’s not the truth, is it? You don’t want to casually hook up again, do you? If you don’t want anything romantic or sexual with her—serious, casual, otherwise—tell her that. “I like you as a friend—but just as a friend. It was a mistake to hook up with you and I can’t do that again.” Don’t leave any wiggle room. Don’t make excuses or over-explain it. (If you blame it on your break-up, she might just think you need some more time before you make out again.) It might sound ten-percent more harsh to be clear, but it’s necessary. In love, as in home security, you’ve got to shut that door tight or someone will keep trying to pry it open.

*****

By: Logan Hill for Cosmpolitan

WHO PAYS ON DATES?

I understand why money is such a huge deal in relationships. It doesn’t have to be but it is. Society normally dictates that the man should pay for everything. But this isn’t always feasible because well…. life happens. There’s the mortgage, the groceries, the pet food for your chihuahua, and the cost of getting your roof repaired, among so many other things!

Sometime into the dating relationship when the rose tinted glasses start to clear up, both parties are stuck with the reality that the guy’s salary is pretty much average, and using this salary to also maintain dating expenses is unrealistic. Women who have grown accustomed to the man always paying for everything should give themselves a slap on the face! Because that financial fairytale isn’t the real world. Unless your guy is Donald Trump or is Mark Zuckerberg, there shouldn’t be reason for you to always expect him to cough up cash on every date. Can you imagine just how much he’ll be able to save for the future if he keeps spending for every dinner/ movie/ holiday that you guys have? Nothing. The steak dinners, anniversary and monthsary gifts add up to so much in a year. How much more if you’ve been together for awhile?

So what do you do then?

You CONTRIBUTE. 

That’s right. A relationship is a partnership after all and not a dictatorship. But how do you get over the awkwardness of it all? You know that moment when the bill comes and you’re trying to decide whether to suggest going Dutch or just paying it yourself?

Here are a couple of my suggestions to make it less awkward for couples:

  1. PULL OUT YOUR WALLET WHEN THE BILL COMES. And lay down the value of your meal’s worth. This will prompt him to also pay for his share. It isn’t too complicated and it’s fair. Just don’t make a fuss about it.
  2. WHEN THE GUY PAYS FASTER THAN YOU CAN SAY “I’LL GET IT!.” Then offer to pay for the next activity. Like a movie. This eases up the guy’s wallet and saves him a trip to the nearest ATM. If he pays for the movie, get the popcorn and drinks.
  3. WHEN YOU’RE BOTH BROKE BUT WANT TO BUY PRESENTS FOR EACH OTHER. Do the $10 challenge! When at a mall, agree to buy each other a gift worth $10 and come back after an hour to exchange. This is a fun way to flex your creativity and think about what your significant other will appreciate.
  4. HAVE A COMMON DATE FUND. Some couples have a piggy bank or a bank account where they put their extra cash and this is what they spend for their dates. Raising money for this fund (which can also extend to a travel fund) may encourage the couple to work together to increase the amount in their joint wallet.
  5. GO ON INEXPENSIVE DATES. Netflix and chilling is so underrated. Order in or cook together and STAY AT HOME. Save the adventurous and expensive activities on days when you have a surplus of cash.

 

Hope this helps!

 

xoxo,

Cristine